Because you will never know how much this hurts
Let me just start this off by asking for forgiveness for some of the things that I have said throughout the day today, since I'm sure God has not been overtly enthused with my vocabulary (nor my thought process for that matter).
Next let me touch upon the main point of the day today. Not too overdramatize or anything, but today was absolutely without a doubt a horrendously shitty day. I say shitty because that is the only adjective I wish to use in describing today. I only use swears when they are necessary in an adjective form so please understand that today sucked. I went back to the orthopedic surgeon today in order to have a "check-up" on my completely broken right middle metatarsal (try saying that out loud). I had anticipated being able to walk out of the hospital with two pairs of shoes on, thus I brought a right shoe for myself to wear afterwords. I did not foresee the possibility of wearing the boot for another 2 weeks and then not being able to run until roughly the early portion of July. But that is the current situation, heck I will be lucky if they let me run a 5K by the time August rolls around. Basically the best way to put this is that while I will be able to walk again next week Friday, I will not be able to run again for roughly a month. Worst of all, this could destroy my next Cross Country season. I know that to the rest of you, taking off for these two months would be no big deal, but for everyday that I get up and can't run, I feel like I wasted a day. I go to bed angry with myself, completely unsatisfied. i feel like I was given an ability, a talent that God doesn't give to everybody, and that every day I can't go out and run, I am abusing that ability. Everyday that I can't go out there and do the activity that I love is another day where I feel hollow inside. Today is one of the only days of my entire life where I have thought of hurting myself, somehow or other I wanted to make my body truly feel pain, not just some little meager broken metatarsal. Now don't worry, I'm not suicidal nor am i some psychotic freak, but when the doctor was explaining the entire process to me today, every word was like a knife in my heart. As he continued speaking, I felt worse and worse; as each phrase came past it was jamming the knife in deeper and deeper. All I wanted to do was punch something, a window, a chair, a desk, hit something, something that I could look at and say "YES!! Now that is a reason to have pain and be impaired, not because of some small screwed up bone in my stupid foot from running." I don't really know what to tell you now, it's been maybe 40 minutes and yet I feel more like shit as I keep thinking about how much I will lose this way. I won't even get a month and a half of training this summer for Cross Country. It will kill me. One way or another, this will tear me apart.
wow and to think I mentioned overdramatizing life in a post not too long ago. This is really lame. Then again, what else do I have to stand for, people only know me as a runner, I only know myself as a runner, it's how I have defined my life. Goes to show that being shallow on the inside can lead a weak foundation on the outside.
Next let me touch upon the main point of the day today. Not too overdramatize or anything, but today was absolutely without a doubt a horrendously shitty day. I say shitty because that is the only adjective I wish to use in describing today. I only use swears when they are necessary in an adjective form so please understand that today sucked. I went back to the orthopedic surgeon today in order to have a "check-up" on my completely broken right middle metatarsal (try saying that out loud). I had anticipated being able to walk out of the hospital with two pairs of shoes on, thus I brought a right shoe for myself to wear afterwords. I did not foresee the possibility of wearing the boot for another 2 weeks and then not being able to run until roughly the early portion of July. But that is the current situation, heck I will be lucky if they let me run a 5K by the time August rolls around. Basically the best way to put this is that while I will be able to walk again next week Friday, I will not be able to run again for roughly a month. Worst of all, this could destroy my next Cross Country season. I know that to the rest of you, taking off for these two months would be no big deal, but for everyday that I get up and can't run, I feel like I wasted a day. I go to bed angry with myself, completely unsatisfied. i feel like I was given an ability, a talent that God doesn't give to everybody, and that every day I can't go out and run, I am abusing that ability. Everyday that I can't go out there and do the activity that I love is another day where I feel hollow inside. Today is one of the only days of my entire life where I have thought of hurting myself, somehow or other I wanted to make my body truly feel pain, not just some little meager broken metatarsal. Now don't worry, I'm not suicidal nor am i some psychotic freak, but when the doctor was explaining the entire process to me today, every word was like a knife in my heart. As he continued speaking, I felt worse and worse; as each phrase came past it was jamming the knife in deeper and deeper. All I wanted to do was punch something, a window, a chair, a desk, hit something, something that I could look at and say "YES!! Now that is a reason to have pain and be impaired, not because of some small screwed up bone in my stupid foot from running." I don't really know what to tell you now, it's been maybe 40 minutes and yet I feel more like shit as I keep thinking about how much I will lose this way. I won't even get a month and a half of training this summer for Cross Country. It will kill me. One way or another, this will tear me apart.
wow and to think I mentioned overdramatizing life in a post not too long ago. This is really lame. Then again, what else do I have to stand for, people only know me as a runner, I only know myself as a runner, it's how I have defined my life. Goes to show that being shallow on the inside can lead a weak foundation on the outside.
11 Comments:
I feel you Jeffrey. If I broke a leg or arm and could not play tennis I would feel the same way and would be pissed at the fact that I could not play and am steadily getting worse by not playing. However you can improve other things that you might have not otherwise worked on. In your case you could probably do Ab workouts (a stretch I know, it's tough to do other things for a running sport) or maybe something to help your acceleration. I hope this helps a little.
The same thing happened to Dustin Studelska but the beauty of it is he has two more years and if you miss out on a year of XC you will still have another year and more time to train.
God gave you this ability, but if you really do belive that God controls your whole life, he meant for this to happen. Maybe it was to help you find another talent, something that doesn't involve running. And I may even go as far to say that maybe you haven't found it yet, and he chose for you to be in the boot a little longer, hoping that you find this ability to somehow make the world better. When one door closes, another one opens. Don't be like my dog, when one door opens, she just stares out the window. Plus, personaly, I know you for so much more than a runner. I know you as an extremely religious person, you're not afraid to speak your mind and defend your point, you never have a hard time talking to someone, and of course, your a pimp. haha
Great ability develops and reveals itself increasingly with every new assignment.
-Baltasar Gracian
well I do appreciate that list mark, and I hope that other people can find me as a different person (with the exception of a pimp), in my own mind I can only see myself as the runner. I don't know why that is, but it's the only way I know to define myself. I found myself in running, and through running I feel I can best define who I am as a human being. It makes it difficult because right now I feel like I'm having an identity crisis. Like today when I was in the hallways, I was wearing a track and field shirt, and someone gave me a quib remark about being a track runner, and while they thought it was a joke; it honestly hurt me a ton.
And Kris yes I agree with what you are saying, I do abs as much as I can in order to keep something of in shape. Unfortunately I can't do abs for 45 minutes like a run though ;)
Hey ya...marko may have already touched on this, but I will put in the "Sound of Music" quote:
"Whenever the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window."
There's a reason and an oppurtunity awaiting for you from this...you just have to find the window it's in.
While you may have lost some of your physical strength for XC, I really think you will have gained a multitude of mental and spiritual strength in it's stead. Just that is enough to place you not far from where you left off. You're going to take to the ground in August with a fierce determination that you would have never had if it hadn't been for this injury. Turn your anger into that strong will--say, "Hey, there's no way in Hell I'm going to let this bring me down...I'm going sub-17 or nothing." You may just find that's what you needed all along.
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Hey Jeff
Please do not worry about your injury, you are still only a junior now. Anyways, I still see you as a runner, but more than that, I see you as a man with FAITH. In this world it doesn't matter if you are the worst or best runner in the world or the smartest kid in the nation or even the President of the United States because you and I both know that we were put on this world for one reasone and one reason only, to spread God's Word. I know you Jeff, you will use your faith to get through this injury and when you do God will reward you with the treasures your heart desires. Just remember, God has a reason for everything, and if we cannot see it know it WILL come later. Maybe you were injured for a reason, so dont get down on yourself because you are a great runner and person.
Very pretty design! Keep up the good work. Thanks.
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