Saturday, May 28, 2005

If trying ultimately only means failing, then whats the point in trying?

The title of this post suggests much about something i have wondered much throught my teenage years. What is the point of trying in life, when the moment you die, the world will forget about you? No matter what you want to say about loved ones, and all of that, life continues on and all you are is a memory, nothing but two electrons connecting in someones brain and creating an electronic image. Really what is the meaning of this joyous yet pathetic thing we call life? Why is it that if I am not a president, nor some huge star, my life will be forgotten in one day. in one instant all that i stood for, all that i was, would be gone with me. What does it mean to leave an impact? Why do i have this flesh and blood body if all it will do is someday die off and leave the world no different then it was 2 billion years ago?!!
Have you ever even asked yourself if you even make a difference? honestly just think about your average day, and just how much time you waste. When I do it sickens me, I utterly have wasted my childhood. If i could take back a large portion of it I would, if i could turn back time, become what i once was, i would do it in a heartbeat. Why though is it that life seems to slip through our fingers without our ever realizing it? Maybe its just me who doesn't realize what life is, maybe I just haven't opened my eyes, or my heart, or w/e it is that has to open up to realize what life is, but can anyone say they truly know what living means? If you can honest to God say you know exactly what living is and without a doubt know it, feel free to express it here because I can't say I know the meaning.
Depressing thoughts. maybe I should think more positive in my day to day...

Thursday, May 26, 2005

God of Wonders

Lord of all creation
of water, earth and sky
The heavens are your tabernacle
Glory to the Lord on high

God of wonders beyond our galaxy
you are holy, holy
The universe declares your majesty
you are holy, holy
Lord of heaven and Earth
Lord of heaven and Earth

Early in the morning
I will celebrate the light
And as I stumble in the darkness
I will call your name by night

hallejuh, to the Lord of heaven and Earth
hallejuh, to the Lord of heaven and Earth
hallejuh, to the Lord of heaven and Earth

God of wonders
beyond our galaxy
you are holy, holy
Precious Lord, reveal your heart to me
father, holy, holy,
The universe declares your majesty
you are holy, yes you are
Lord you are
Jesus is holy

hallejuh to the Lord of heaven and Earth


Sing it loud and proud because Jesus is here among us all.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Today was a very good day :)

I learned some amazingly great news today, at least to my ears it was great news. my mom lately has been going in to see the doctor for some pains in her chest area, and has had about 5 mammograms and just recently had a biospy of some lumps in a very susceptible region for cancer. I was so nervous she had breast cancer, it tore me up inside. Today I arrived at her work to find out that while she did have 2 tumors, they are both benign and nothing to worry about, however since they aren't being removed, I am still kinda worried, nothing is stopping those tumors from becoming malignant at any moment. But still I was so relieved to hear that they were benign. I can breathe a lot easier again knowing that.
on the other hand though i wish today would go back into w/e hole it crawled out of. It felt torturistic in nature, it took so long. Plus I had to try and high jump which let me tell you I suck at. for a while I was considering trying to be a decathlete someday, but unless I suddenly discover some hidden ups I think I will stick to my black track.
Anyway thats all for today, short and sweet. So some responses for once on a post would be greatly appreciated. At least eileen comments..

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

New beginnings to old endings

Oh its so glorious... school is just a mere 8 days from exams, which means probably 6 days of learning left, then well we are free. Free from oppression and the totalitarian dictatorship we call school.

right now is possily the most depressing moment of my day, because I just realized how I have nothing to do, and the day is amazingly gorgeous. Seriously, track is over, and my life just completely stopped with that. Its that feeling you get when instead of staying at school to talk and hang out with your friends, you hvae to ride the bus... I haven't ridden that bus in about 4 or 5 months. It was depressing to have to ride it. And now I have to take a week off from all forms of physical training because of my amazing leg, so basically its great bus riding fun for a week.

Today I was coming back from the restroom, and I saw Mr. Becker standing around and I went up and told him a statement I have been thinking for a long time now. It went something like this, "Mr. Becker I wonder why we have to be taught all these things in health. I have Health second hour followed by Biology, so I go from STD's and all of these First AID problems to the 10 billion viruses and bacteria located on my desk. Are you teachers trying to scare the crap out of us, because after taking these classes I am wondering what the point to getting up in the morning is anymore. Basically I'm guaranteed to die or make some stupid decision today, and somehow or other kill of a small portion of my body. Really I wish I didn't have to learn some of these things so that way I can live my life a bit more happily."

He responds.."Well everyone is going to die eventually, its a fact of life." I answer, "Yes... but really if you keep on thinking about how you are going to die, that will just drive your stress levels through the roof and make you die faster." Becker "you still need to be aware of the dangers to yourself, and we are just trying to help you be more aware of the dangers around you, making smart decisions will in turn help you live longer (haha try to get me to make smart decisions, I run into lockers)" J "Well I guess but really I don't want to think a

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Stretch out the Legs

OH today has been such a beautiful day. Nice sun all day long and in the 70's the entire day. How glorious is that? Its awesome! I went and got my Trek Bike all fixed up today, Thank you Tyler Bursten!!! I love my bike, its like riding on wind, but I feel out of shape riding such a good bike and not averaging above 16 mphs. oh well, I have all summer until the Cross country tri-athalon.
okay for anyone who runs track aka- 3 people this part is for you. On thursday we had our JV conference meet and i told brogs i wanted to run in it so he said he would try to put me in it. Well as luck would have it, Nick ashenden had his name written in earlier in the week but told brogs on monday he couldn't race because of drivers ed so i was going to the meet to run his 800 for him. I was so excited. Then we arrive at that godforsaken track (seriously there were 8 lanes for only 100 meters, then 6 lanes the rest of the way) whats up with that, and there are these patches of unbelievably hard black crap. Running on that hurt like hell. But anyway I get there and check out the sheet for heats of 800's, and alas no nick ashenden running!!! I went insane. I ran over to brogs and told him about it, and he promised me he would take care of it, so he walked up to the press box (where they announce and hold the sheets with people running on it) and told them they had left nick ashenden out but a mr. Jeffrey wagner was actually running in the race now. So they put me in. come my 800 meter run time, i walk over to the ref and wow he does'nt announce me name and im not on his list. I look over at brogs and he comes on over. He talks with the ref and they put me in the fast heat (yea go me) and so i walk on up to the starting blocks and they are in a rush to get the meet over with so we don't even get time to take our sweats off. We get there and almost instantly they say sweats off, line up. WE get in our positions, which were 2 people per lane!!! WE had 12 people in our heat, thats way too many for a 6 lane 800. gun goes off and off we all go. Since I was in lane 6 i got off in the lead, but by the 100 meter mark i was in 4th, never a good sign. The guy in my lane however was so stupid instead of waiting for the ref to come up to cut in he did it almost immediately, i was happy for the idiot when he was dominated. So we go around the track on lap 1, I felt pretty good at this point and my time wasn't that bad for the first 400 considering how long it had been since i ran last, 67 second first lap. 5th place. so the 2nd lap began, and this lap was bad. I could tell it was bad because with a mere 300 meters left to go i was out of gas. Not my lungs i mean, but my legs. I have never had so much pain in my legs before in my life!!! I thought I was running properly, but every step I took my legs utterly ached. both legs too, not just my right one anymore. When we reach the 200 meter mark i can hear guys approaching me from behind. As we come out on the last 100 meters I can see the guys right next to me. They both pass me up and no matter how hard I tried to tell my legs to sprint they couldn't do it, I didn't know if i could even finish. So I cross the line in 8th place overall and get a mere one point with a time of 2:21. I am pissed. I sucked. brogs walks over and says don't run ever again until that limp is gone, you looked terrrible. Then later on that night on the bus ride home kriegel calls me limpy and tells me that i will completely destroy my legs if i try to run on them anymore with that limp, so he "advised" me to take time off and fix it. I came home completely ashamed. My time sucked, it was 1 second slower then my PR this season already and that was at an indoor meet. In some ways I wish i hadn't tried, but then again who knows what would have happened had I not tried at all, maybe right now I would be writing a post wondering just how i would have done.
I can't wait for summer, all that i want to do is go outside and enjoy myself, run and bike like crazy. Thats all. go and hang out with everyone I met this year all my new and old friends. Hopefully we can all hang out this summer, do who knows what but anything so long as its legal and fun. But opal, eileen, kara, and lauren you have to race me in the crop walk next fall... pwease.
As for anyone interested in doing Cross country, we have summer practices at 9 (at night). and they are awesome. Every tuesday, thursday, and sunday we meet as a massive group, and run around Grafton. Its so cool because at night everything is amazing, and running down the Cedarburg bike path at night all you can see are the fire flies going along with you, its the coolest thing on the planet. Talk to me if you want to come and run, you don't even have to be in cross country to come, any person can come and run along with us, heck we had some random old lady run with us last summer, that was pretty weird cause she stuck her dog on us but oh well, it was fun.
Am I the only one who feels like the teachers are completely piling on the homework and projects right now? Like they just realized last week they have only 2 weeks until exams and now are trying to cram down every inch of learning they can, while at the same time yelling and getting pregnant (stupid sumner). Then Mr. Gajewski is losing more hair, and Profe is nice and lets us play random games in class. durst knocks loose his arm (unfortunately his brain was knocked loose a long time ago), becker continues to give CPR to manicans and unfortunate children who faint in his health class (aka- losers like me). Sumner certainly last and most definietly the least, should be fired for being a moron, i had to tell her what 16 times 2 equals. how embarassing is that? the only advantage to having sumner as a teacher is that you know over summer you can't lose any of what you learned because you haven't learned anything.
good luck runners in Regionals and Alumni runners.

Jeffy

Friday, May 20, 2005

sometimes you have to open your eyes, otherwise you will never see

Oh I re-read my last post just a minute ago and I also have been talking with some awesome friends of mine and they really made me realize just how stupid it is to be whining over this, seriously when you have friends like this, there is no reason to get down in the first place. I can't thank you all enough for your support throughout this all, I am dead serious, and really its an honor and privelege to know such fine friends as yourselves. If the world comes tumbling down I would love to have you all by my side, because with you all, how can I possibly fall? the true art to happiness is knowing that day in and day out the friends are still about. when the day ends, do you know your friends? IF THE WOLRD ENDED TOMORROW, COULD YOU CONFRONT GOD AND SAY THAT ALL THAT WAS DONE BY YOU IN HIS NAME WAS RIGHTEOUS? COULD YOU STAND UP BEFORE HIM AND PRONOUNCE THAT YOU DID EVERYTHING YOU COULD IN HIS NAME? COULD YOU STAND BEFORE HIM AND GIVE UP ALL THE GLORY AND ACCEPT ALL THE SHAME? CAUSE LET ME TELL YOU I DON'T THINK I COULD...

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Today I proved to the world just how stupid I am :)

Okay well, since this is my first time doing this, hold on because I may be challenged technically and have absolutely no idea what im doing (thanks for the lack of help lauren).

Tonight I spent maybe 10 minutes trying to figure out how to create one of these stupid things.. seriously how stupid can one person get??!! I literally had the blogger web site tell me at least 3 times that I had errors!!! And one of them was on a part where all you have to do is re-type the letters it shows you in a box below. I felt so stupid!!

tonight i also saw some outrageous performances on the track though too. Nate Maschke is officially amazing, congrats on the win in the 800 Nate, and lauren moroder PR'd at least. Andy Ish Ashenden took 3rd in the 800, and the 4X800 meter relay wasn't even a competition. I can't wait to get out there and prove to the world what I can do, however much people may say its only 4 weeks, its only one season they don't know anything. oh well its survivable i hope.

Now today I also thought about certain things with certain people, and I just don't know what I want to do anymore. I feel in awe, but in my heart I feel confused, like what are the chances she would pick me? What are the chances I could be the guy who sweeps her off her feet? Really its a never ending struggle, and the more I try to think about it, the more I become tangled in it. So I might as well shut up and just let it be as it shall be right? Well I want to just leave it at that, however I am scared out of my mind of the thought of even losing this person as a friend, let alone losing any chance with her. I know how some others say don't worry about it, but Im sorry I do worry, shes an amazing girl, and there is no guy around who deserves her, I know I certainly don't. So how can I try to rank myself up against all of these other people, rank myself and hope to succeed? The only solution to this stupid struggle in my head is to be nice as possible isn't it... kill her and everyone else with kindness as the phrase goes. I think that is a good idea I may want to stick to that. So to you (you know who you are), I hope you understand that some races are always worth running; the race for your heart though is the ultimate race for mine.

Now that I have sufficiently wasted my life and energy typing all of this I should probably rap it up, but i don't want to, because I figure the more stuff I touch upon the more responses I may potentially get, so Im not done yet (cry me a river).

today opal, Keely, and Kara came to the track meet, I didn't see them there until they had to practically leave, thank god they got to see Laurens 400 (which she PR'd in by .4 seconds) but I thought it was really awesome how they came to cheer on their friend. That is what true and deep friends are all about. It makes the races so much easier for the runner when they know there is support out there for them all the time. then again how wouldl I know not like I have run in ages myself anyway. but Keely, Opal, Kara, I thought that was awfully nice of you and I want to say how nice I think you three are, its nice to meet some people in our high school who truly care about others. eileen it sucks you weren't there for this one, but I know you had drivers ed.

Anyway I should stop posting this now cause I am getting Carpal Tunnel from all this typing.

Run fast, train hard, and never stop until you see the finish line!!

Uncle Fluffy
P.S. Congratulations Lauren on PR